Letters of Love
by HannahScho
Summary: Oh my, that was a beautiful season 3 finale for Anne with an E! This fic is an imagining of the first letters Anne and Gilbert would have written to each other. Anne's letter first... "Please forgive me for all these outbursts, although you must admit you are partially responsible for them." Gilbert's letter second... " Yet, in the back of my mind there was you, always you."
1. Anne's letter to Gilbert

Dear Gilbert,

I look like my mother…

After you left, after you so gloriously came to see me… Oh, how much there is to say about that! But first I must tell you about my mother and father. Marilla and Matthew came to show me a book they had tracked down that had belonged to my mother! Can you believe it? Being an orphan, as you so very well know yourself, is a very difficult thing and to have found something so precious that once belonged to my parents, well, I think I don't need to explain to you what a thrill that has given me! To now own something so tangible that belonged to my parents, it is as if I have found a missing piece to the puzzle that is me!

The book is called "The Language of Flowers", it is beautifully illustrated with descriptions of flowers and poetry and has an inscription on the front page from my father to my mother that says: "For my Bertha, So you can share your love of the natural world with your pupils. Love Always, Walter". Isn't that the most glorious inscription? So full of love, oh, how I can understand that feeling so well, especially now that I know my own heart and yours as well! This inscription tells me my mother was a teacher, that she loved the natural world as much as I do, and that my father loved her with all his heart. I can hardly express to you, dearest Gilbert, how much this means to me. Halfway through the book there is an inscription next to the image of a Juniper that says "Baby Anne's first picnic" which shows me they loved me too, enough to share such a small detail! Before I came to Green Gables I never thought I was worthy of any love but now I am surrounded by it. I am loved by Marilla and Matthew and Diana and Cole and Diana's aunt Jo and now my birth parents… and you… I think my heart may burst with this knowledge! And that is not all… at the end of the book there is a portrait of a woman with red hair, just like mine. The name Bertha is written above it, it was signed by Walter (he was a bit of an artist, I see!), and I can see that I look like her. I now know a bit more about my heritage and that makes me so happy.

Oh, the gifts that this day has brought me! It has brought me Diana and my parents and you…

Diana is sleeping now but I just cannot do so myself, my heart is overflowing, it feels ready to burst! So, here I am in the quiet of the night, writing to you, trying to make sense of it all. I so very much wish I could share this discovery of my parents with you in person, that I could see your warm, earnest eyes and feel you squeeze my hand and embrace me and maybe you would kiss me again. Oh Gilbert, the way you looked at me when you came to see me today! I think my heart must have stopped beating! The way you touched my face and the feeling of your lips on mine… I cannot describe what went through me. Nothing I have ever read in literature, no matter how poetic, comes close to what I felt in those moments and I think you must have felt that too? Isn't it wondrous to be able to share this feeling with each other? I think I will forever struggle to capture that feeling in print, but I assure you I will try and I will send it to you if I ever get it right. And yet after that first kiss, our glorious first kiss, you still weren't sure of my feelings for you! Don't you think, you silly boy, that I would have hit you over the head again had I _not _wanted that kiss? And so I kissed you again and you kissed me back with such fervor. Oh, the way you pulled me close and held me, I wished those moments to last forever! Alas, that cannot be and you are off to Toronto. Oh please, don't forget me while you are there! Toronto sounds ever so exciting, I fear it may overshadow everything.

Alright, I must not get carried away by doubts, we have had too many of those, haven't we? Diana told me of her train ride with you and dearest, sweetest Diana called you out on your behavior. How scandalous that you should go courting another woman when apparently you have always loved me! Poor Winifred. I bumped into her, you know, today, as I walked through town. She was getting ready to leave and accused me of gloating. I would have accused me of much worse had I been in her place. She thought I was gloating over you breaking it off with her when I didn't even know that you two had separated! She was kind enough to inform me that you had, in fact, not proposed, that you were in love with someone else and that you thought your love unrequited! Oh, dearest, how could you even think that when I had left you a note telling you that I loved you? I finally realized that I loved you the day after that night at the ruins (and that, young man, will be another point of discussion. How could you infer unrequited love after whatever that was you were trying to say to me while we sat near the fire?). I realized while talking with aunt Jo and then Diana that next day that I was, in fact, head over heels in love with you. The next morning Marilla encouraged me to go and tell you and so I went to your house. You weren't in, Bash's mother was there, she saw me write the note and I left it on your kitchen table. Later, I understood that you were going to propose to Winifred and I couldn't believe you would just go off and do that without any reaction whatsoever to my confession of love in that note! I went to your house to confront you on your callousness and when I got there Bash told me you had already left for Charlottetown. I was completely confused because I thought you had tried to say you loved me at the ruins and yet I wasn't good enough for you, you wanted a future with Winifred in Paris more? I won't lie, it broke my heart! But then today Diana tells me you never received my note. How can you not have received that note?! That still completely confuses me! Anyway, today when Winifred told me of your unrequited love, all I could think of was 'what if this is about me'? I needed to tell you immediately that your love is not unrequited! I ran back to the boarding house and packed my things to go and find you and tell you… and then there you were!

We have misunderstood each other so very much over the years, I think we need to be very clear now. I love you, Gilbert Blythe, with all my heart. I think I may always have, ever since you came to my rescue in the woods that day, it's just taken me so very long to acknowledge it. I could not believe that someone could ever love me in that way and I was not capable of returning that love. I am capable now. I hope.

Oh, there is so much more to ask and tell! For instance, what on earth made you even like a freckled, red-headed, temperamental girl like me in the first place? Why would you even like me after I broke that slate over your head? I think I may have treated you quite abominably many times after that as well. And when did you actually realize you loved me? Those looks we have shared, I can count many such precious long gazes at each other, what did they mean to you? Did they make your heart stop like they did mine? And after we danced that day at school, were you as confused as I was? So many things to talk about and you are now so far away in Toronto!

It is getting very late and if I want to be able to keep awake tomorrow during my first day of class, then I must go to sleep now. If I even can. I can't stress enough how happy I am that you came to see me today and how happy I am to know that you care for me too. I wish you a wonderful start to your studies at the University of Toronto. I am sorry we won't be at the same school anymore, but then again I was never going to be able to beat you fair and square anyhow. Apparently neither of us is better than the other and we tie, academically speaking. I have to admit that I very much like the thought of us as equals, not only academically but in all other ways as well!

As I re-read this letter, I find I have used so many exclamation marks. But you know me, I must share my feelings and it cannot be helped, they are very exclamatory right now! Please forgive me for all these outbursts, although you must admit you are partially responsible for them. Kissing a girl, right in front of the Barrys like that! There was surprise written all over Diana's face when you left. Going by those actions, you, my dear, must have been feeling exclamatory too, I imagine. Thank you for those last goodbye kisses and your gaze at me as you drove away. These memories make me smile right now as I write this.

I really must stop now, reluctantly so. Good night, my dearest man. I shall dream of you and of you holding me and of your kisses, tonight and every night. And I will write to you again soon.

All my deepest love,

Anne

P.S. Thanks for giving me back my pen, I am using it now for this very long love letter! I admit to having been in a temper when I found it on the note you had left me in my room. In my anger I tore up that letter without reading it and I now bitterly regret that. Was there a love confession in it? I tried piecing it together but all I could make out were words like 'parting ways', 'engage', 'alarm', ' don't' ' love', 'Queens'. I inferred from it that you didn't love me after all and I think that may have been a big mistake. See? Why would you even want to put up with such a hothead as me?

Apologetically yours,

Anne

P.P.S. Please, don't give up on me and try to tolerate a hotheaded red-head! And I promise you that I will learn to think before I act.


	2. Gilbert's letter to Anne

My dear Anne,

I am on the train now, on my way to Toronto and all I have been able to do these past hours is stare out of the window and think of you. I have tried reading but my thoughts keep wandering back to you. When I look out I don't see the scenery because a vision of you keeps on appearing in my mind's eye. How beautiful you looked this afternoon, with that blue dress bringing out your eyes and your breathtaking flame-colored hair lighting up in the sunshine. The look of wonder in your eyes completely drew me in as you walked up to me and gave me hope that what Diana had told me really could be true (by the time you read this, I am sure Diana will have filled you in on the very illuminating conversation she and I had on the train to Charlottetown). I had no words when I saw you and all I could do was act, I just had to touch you. Your cheek felt so soft and when you didn't protest I couldn't help but capture your lips with mine. And you didn't seem to mind one bit! Then, oh wonder of wonders, you had to pinch yourself to believe this was all true and you kissed me back! My Anne with an E, I hope I wasn't too forward in my response to your kiss, I fear I may have just grabbed you to me a bit too forcefully. If it hadn't been for the damned train that was leaving, I would have trapped you in my arms forever, I am sure.

As I told you in my letter to you at Green Gables, you are the fond object of my affection, you are the keeper of the key to my heart. It has always been you, Anne, ever since you clashed that slate against my head. When I got up this morning, I never in a million years would have dreamt that all my hopes and wishes would finally, finally come true and that today would be the day I found out that you returned my feelings. I would have laughed at anyone who would have told me that today I would get to kiss you and hold you in my arms!

Is it really completely true that you care for me? If it is true then why did you not come to me sooner, after you received my letter? Speaking of letters, when Diana told me you had written me one professing your love for me, it was like something exploded within my chest, I could not believe it! I could not get to you soon enough to let you know how I felt. I have no idea whatsoever why I never received your letter, I will ask Bash about it when I write him. I hope he can enlighten me.

We are nearing the station in Toronto and I must stop writing. I will be very busy the next few days but I have not finished what I want to say here, so sending this out will have to wait a little bit longer. I am excited for my future at the university but I hate that you are not by my side and in my arms. One day, my Anne, we will be together again and that is so much more than I ever could have hoped for this morning!

Five days have gone by since I wrote the above and only now have I been able to find a moment to continue. If it is going to cost me all night, I will finish this letter and I will send it out to you tomorrow. And this letter is going to be long, dearest Anne, because when I arrived at my boarding house this evening your letter was awaiting me and there is so much to say to you in response!

I was glad to see your little postscript on the envelope, thanking me for the telegram and the address I sent you of my lodgings. Yes, I have arrived safely but on arrival there was an issue with my room and I had to sort that out quickly. I won't bore you with the details but as I was so late enrolling here, there had been a double booking. The room I have now is in the attic of a neighboring house. It is very small but I don't have to share it with anyone which I admit to feeling relieved about. All my energy is caught up in my studies and with my thoughts of you, I don't think I have a moment to spare to make small talk with a stranger in my room. The past five days have been very busy with sorting out classes, getting books, introductions and all that (as you must also be experiencing at Queens) and by the time I got to my room each evening I was too exhausted to even hold a pen to write. Now finally things are settling down a bit and here I am writing to you.

Your letter was such a delight to read! Every sentence breathed 'Anne' to me and the love for me that you express in it brings tears to my eyes. I still can't quite believe it yet. I am keeping it in my coat pocket, right next to my heart, so that in moments of quiet I can feast my eyes on it again, wherever I am. You apologize for your outbursts, please don't! I do love them, although I have not always been on the favorable end of them. They are so you, however, in your heartfelt, open honesty. One of the things that made me fall in love with you is precisely how lively and spirited you are, in addition to how smart you are, how beautiful you are and how wonderful your imagination is. You have such a good heart and you were a breath of fresh air in all the stuffiness and darkness that was my world when I came back to Avonlea with my very sick father. You have been my light ever since.

I can't tell you how happy I am to read that you have your mother's book now, a tangible memento of who she and your father were. That drawing of her must be very special and, if she really looks like you, it must be absolutely beautiful too. I think we have a history of admiring red hair in my family. Remember that day in winter, years ago, when you brought me the school books and my father answered the door? After you left he told me how beautiful he thought your hair was and I couldn't help but agree. I'm sorry for teasing you and calling you Carrots back then, I just wanted to meet you so much that I wasn't thinking and I hurt your feelings. I may call you Carrots now, though, right? As an expression of my affection? I wonder if your father ever called your mother that. I hope you will bring their book to show me when we next see each other, I would love to see it. I too have received a memento of my father, by the way! Elijah has come back, had you heard that already? He swears he has changed his life and he bought back my father's medal from the pawn shop. Of course, the medal is nowhere near as spectacular as the book you have found, but these little things help keep a person alive in our hearts. I even have a little memento of you: a shell I found at your storybook club house that I accidentally came across a little while back. In the ruins I found a shell, I just knew it had to have been yours and I took it with me as a little keepsake.

As for courting Winifred… Yes, I have come to regret how I handled that. She really is a lovely lady and she didn't deserve me leading her on, even if it was unconsciously done. I have been thinking back to when I first started seeing her and it was around the time when the take notice board started at school. Remember you came up to me to tell me about it? We were more or less friendly at a distance then and I was convinced you had no interest in me other than a platonic sort of friendship. In fairness, at that point I wasn't consciously even thinking of anything more than friendship, I was so wrapped up in school and in my home life with Bash, Mary and Dellie. Then you mentioned that take notice board and the words 'thinking ahead to a future together' were uttered. I have to tell you, my heart jumped for a moment and became hopeful when I thought you wanted me to make an advance towards you! And then you mentioned Ruby, and that little hopeful bud that had started to open in my chest was suddenly shattered again. Later, when I accompanied you to Charlottetown on the train you angrily said you didn't need me. I always knew I had a soft spot for you but what was the use in nurturing that when you seemed to have an aversion to me? That was the day I met Winifred, and she was lovely and so friendly to me and I thought, why not turn my thoughts to someone else who doesn't hate me for a change? I was so vain to be flattered by that and I can't apologize enough to you for that! I was a fool.

Winifred distracted me charmingly from my thoughts of you and I rolled with it. I had no idea of things getting so serious so quickly between us and all the while, there you were, speaking to my soul which I was trying to ignore. You warmed my heart and comforted me like no one else could when Mary was dying. I had almost forgotten the power of a heartfelt human embrace and you gave that back to me. I was then able to share that with Bash and Mary as well. I thank you so much for that! Despite the feeling that we had become closer, the take notice board fiasco still proved to me that all I would ever be to you was a friend and I was convinced that hadn't changed.

And then we danced. Yes, I was also confused afterwards! We were suspended in time during that dance, weren't we? I was floating on air and so happy and for the first time ever I had real hope you felt something more too! The way you smiled at me and looked at me; the way we moved together as if we were always meant to dance together, gave me hope. But then the dance ended and you stormed off and I was confused again.

In the meantime, things with Winnie were going well, so I saw no reason to break that off, not even when it was suggested I meet her parents at the fair. I told myself it was all innocent friendship but in hindsight it wasn't just that. Everyone assumed we were courting and maybe in a way we were, even if I wasn't sure. Again, I was such a fool! Things escalated from there, with my future at the Sorbonne and Winifred laid out for me on a silver platter. Yet, in the back of my mind there was you, always you. Remember that night on the porch after the protest? I almost leaned in to kiss you then and there. I tried to convey my feelings at the ruins that night, I now realize how clumsy I was. You took my breath away that night, by the way, I couldn't stop staring at you in the firelight. After all this time of being convinced you didn't care for me, your confused reaction meant 'no' in my book and I am so so sorry for jumping to that conclusion! I should have given you time, I should have explained more but I think I was too afraid to have my heart shattered even further.

Yes, I told Mr Barry that I wanted to propose to Winifred and I understand that Diana overheard that. I thought I could do it, I thought it was possible to push you aside because I was convinced my love for you was unrequited. You, however, are a difficult young lady to push aside and ignore, my Anne. Before I could even go to see Winifred, I had a day of revelations where all of my feelings for you became blindingly clear! I will tell you all about that in person one day, this letter is far too long as it is. Suffice it to say that I realized that marrying Winnie wasn't fair to her. She deserves someone to love her and gaze at her as I love and gaze at you, she shouldn't settle for anything less. As for me, I couldn't bear the thought of being with another woman when I am so very much in love with you. If I couldn't have you, then I'd be better off alone. I decided to find a way to make the best out of my life, even if it didn't have you in it. Thank goodness that changed! I am so very sorry for being such a bumbling fool and I will forever try to make it up to you. I don't think I will ever be able to let you go again.

It is so very difficult being away from you, now that we have finally confessed our true feelings to each other, but the distance is easier to bear than not having you in my life at all. I still cannot quite believe that this is really happening and that you truly love me too. I believe I am the happiest man alive! And yes, you are right, we have had too many misunderstandings so let me be clear as well: I am in love with you, Anne Shirley-Cuthbert, and I always will be!

It is way past midnight now and I need to get some sleep. Let us make plans to see each other again, possibly over fall break. I long to see you and to hear your voice again but most of all I long to feel you in my arms again and I promise I will kiss you senseless!

With all my love,

Gilbert

P.S. Believe me, I can very well bear a hotheaded red-head if that red-head is you, Carrots! I will try to be understanding in the future when you tear up my letters in a rage, although I sincerely hope you won't tear up this one.


	3. Letters as we meet again

My dearest Carrots,

We have been corresponding now for three months and with every letter I receive from you and write to you my heart aches for you more. And here is my latest epistle directed to you, a mere hour or so before we see each other again. I write to you while I am on the ferry to Charlottetown, we will be arriving shortly, and I will make my way straight to the train station to finally meet up with you again. How I wish we could meet privately! Alas, we will be surrounded by our fellow Avonleans, all of us on our way home for Christmas, and you and I will still not be able to greet each other in the way that I suspect we would wish to. In Bright River, you have assured me, you and I will be met by Matthew. He will drop me off at home and it will be late, so we won't have a moment to ourselves.

We have spoken in our letters of our longing to be together again, of how we have held on to the memories of our kisses to tide us over until we meet again. How I wish I could have made it back East for the short fall break we had and now our private reunion will have to be delayed yet again because of such a thing as propriety… It's been three months, Anne! Far too long of a separation! It is with such a very heavy heart that I know I will be so close to you within the hour and yet I will not be able to hold you and kiss you like I was able to on that beautiful morning back in September at your boarding house. I don't know if I am strong enough to withhold from pulling you into my arms the moment I see you and your beautiful flaming tresses… After our kisses in September I have often dreamed of letting your hair run through my fingers, I am forever sorry that I didn't do so then. But time was short then and I hope to be able to make up for some lost time soon. I have missed you, my Anne, and I will be happy with at the very least a glimpse of you, although I do also wish for so much more than just a glimpse…

I hope to be able to press this letter into your hands when I see you later today. It will have to suffice to tide us over till tomorrow. We will meet each other tomorrow morning at 10 in the orchard, as you suggested in your last letter. Already I am counting the hours, minutes and seconds.

I love you so, my Anne with an E.

Your Gilbert

* * *

Dearest Gilbert,

Here I am at my little writing table at Green Gables after a lovely welcome home dinner with Matthew, Marilla and Jerry and I cannot seem to settle down because of how my heart has been jumping in my chest from the moment I laid eyes on you late this afternoon. Or rather, since I bumped into you at the train station in Charlottetown.

How long had you been standing there, watching me and all of us getting our baggage handled by the porters? Once my baggage was secured, I turned around to look for you and bumped into a man standing solidly in my way. He took my elbows to steady me, which seemed a bit of a rude thing for a stranger to do. I was ready to utter some choice words at him when I looked up and saw that it was you! Oh Gilbert, you literally took my breath away! Your wide grin warmed my heart but before you or I could even say anything everyone else was yelling "Gilbert!... Hey Gilbert!... Long time no see!... How are you?" and we were whisked away in the moments of greeting and excited travel chatter. We were separated as we walked to the train and yet, when I ascended the steps, out of nowhere, there you were again, taking my hand, helping me up. That little touch of our hands and the smile in your eyes just for me sent shivers up my spine, do you know that?

We found seats opposite Diana and Josie, even though I would have rather sat in a seat for two alone with you. We all talked of general things, of college and classes and friends and professors and living away from home. It was enjoyable, but all the while I was very aware of your shoulder against mine. The two hand squeezes we managed to sneak in were heavenly. Seeing you, hearing you, speaking with you was exhilarating and yet, it was just not enough, was it? The way you looked at me from time to time made me think you felt the same way.

Why is it alright to run into Matthew's arms but would that not have been appropriate to do with you? When we arrived at your house, Matthew gave me a moment to go inside with you to shortly greet Bash and Dellie (how she's growing!) and Hazel. And then you told Bash that Matthew was waiting for me and you pulled me into the hallway next to your stairs (he must have wondered why you wanted to take the other door outside and not the one we normally use). Once out of sight of the kitchen, you pulled me into your arms and crushed your lips to mine so passionately, it almost made me faint! Thank goodness I was holding on to you. Your lips are soft and demanding at the same time, my love. Demanding in a good way, in such a way that just one lingering kiss from you leaves me breathless and weak to the knees! And the feel of your arms around me… it feels so different from when Matthew or Marilla embrace me… my heart soars and I just want to burrow into you closer and closer, like a little rabbit seeking shelter from the outside world. You don't seem to mind that at all, do you? That glorious moment of sheer bliss in your arms was over far too soon, you gave me your letter, and then we were outside and saying goodbye with a squeeze of the hands.

I tore your letter open the moment I set down my bags in my bedroom. Oh Gilbert, each letter you write me takes my breath away, so filled with love. I still fail to understand how you can love me and my ' flaming tresses' so much. Maybe you can try to explain it to me again tomorrow? And where did you learn to kiss like that, Gilbert Blythe? You tell me you never kissed anyone else on the lips before me but are you absolutely sure? You seem to know very well what to do. That kiss in your hallway and your letter and just the fact that I've seen you again has me all aflutter and I cannot sleep.

My imagination is quite vivid, as you know, and you give me so much scope for it! I blame you for keeping my awake at night, like now, as I constantly dream of being with you… and the thought that you have dreamed of me too, of touching my hair, just warms my heart. I think my imagination will start making up stories for your dream as well now! My imagination keeps on repeating all that has occurred between us in recent months and each retelling in my head becomes more and more fantastical. I promise you that in my latest retelling of our first kiss, there were actual butterflies, white and yellow and blue ones, dancing around our heads! I know I had some in my stomach that day, I do wonder how they got out. In any case, I hoped that writing it all down in this letter would help me settle down, but alas, that does not seem to be the effect as yet. My heart only seems to be aching more for you, not less.

It is late and I need to try and get some sleep now. I am quite tired. Jerry has been staying over here at the farm some nights, just as he is tonight, and I will ask him to take this letter to you. He has a bicycle now that he can use! I shall have to learn how to ride it myself, it always looks fun when I see others on them. Anyway, I cannot deliver this letter myself or I will alarm Marilla. Of course, I could wait and just speak with you when I see you tomorrow but our whole courtship so far has been mainly through correspondence. I wonder if we will be able to say to each other face to face what we say to each other in these love letters. I want you to have this letter in case I am not able to express myself properly tomorrow (after all, when you kiss me, apparently my ability to speak coherently falters).

I love you so as well, my Gilbert!

Your Anne

P.S. Sweet dreams to you and I will see you in the orchard tomorrow!


	4. Anne's letter to make things right

My darling Gil,

Yes, I address you like that even after we left things ambiguously when we parted half an hour ago. These past 24 hours have not been our best and it breaks my heart that it should be so. Our train ride into Charlottetown was tense and we couldn't speak freely with Bash also there. Then you and Bash dropped me at my boarding house this afternoon and you met Roy who was apparently awaiting my return. I have told you about him during these past two weeks, told you of his joking pursuit of me in college, and that he can't hold a candle to you and yet you seemed to have forgotten all that when you met him in person this afternoon! I am becoming a master at reading your expressions and I knew exactly what you were thinking when I saw your jaw flexing and eyebrows furrowing. You were polite enough but you don't fool me, Gilbert Blythe, not anymore. Inside you were angry and dare I suggest it, jealous! Do you really, truly believe, after all we have shared these past two weeks, that I have feelings for Roy Gardiner? You cannot think that, even after all that happened yesterday!

Oh, this two week Christmas break has been heavenly for us up until yesterday, hasn't it? That morning we met in the orchard will remain etched in my heart forever! When I arrived there, a few minutes before our arranged time, you already were there. The moment we caught sight of each other we ran to each other and you scooped me up in the tightest embrace and twirled me around. When you set me down again you held on tight as we grinned at each other like two love-sick fools. I couldn't contain myself any longer and tiptoed up to kiss you square on the lips and, I can't say it any differently, you unleashed yourself on me. You kissed me back so hard, just like you had done the evening before in your hallway. It was as if you were trying to drink me in and I clutched to you as if my life depended on it. I fear I mussed up your curls a little too much (oh, how I love the feel of your hair!) and hair started escaping from my braid by the time you and I finally finished kissing. We must have looked quite scandalously disheveled, luckily no one happened upon us then or during the rest of that morning! I am writing this memory down purposely, Gil, to remind you of what we have and not linger too long on what happened yesterday afternoon. And here are some more memories to consider of our past two weeks together!

After our glorious kissing in the orchard we walked on to the cliffs together. The wind was cold even though it was a beautiful sunshiny morning in the snow, but we had our arms slung around each other as we walked and we felt nothing of that cold, did we? You couldn't answer my question of where you had learned to kiss like that, you just said that I somehow bring that out in you and that you could be asking me that same question as well. Do I really kiss that well? Over the past two weeks you have assured me I do. We kissed again for quite some time at the cliffs, just to prove the point, I guess. My hair became even looser and you ran your fingers through the loose strands, just like you had said you had dreamt of doing. It wasn't only your dreams coming true that morning, dearest Gil, mine were coming true as well! Before we left I re-braided my hair and you looked on in such fascination, it took me much longer than it usually would have because you looking at me like that kept making me want to kiss you and kiss you I did. I brushed through your hair with my hands, trying to settle it a bit and I think we looked presentable enough by the time we came to your house. From the wide grin on Bash's face, I knew he knew exactly what you and I had been up to. Good thing it is winter, I don't think if the weather had been warm it would have been seen as decent for us to walk out alone together like that. But then, you and I aren't quite the conventional sort, are we? And we will continue to do as we please! I am after all determined to be a thorn in the side of those who refuse to amend the status quo, as you well know by now.

These past weeks have been truly heavenly because I was able to see you so often, to walk with you and talk with you about our love and our hopes and dreams for our futures, with all the possibilities college life offers us. I feel so completely myself with you and cherished for it as well, it is difficult to believe that someone I love so much can love me back like that and can make me feel like that. During all of this it was also so heavenly to try and find a way to kiss you daily, Gil! We managed that quite nicely, don't you think?

Christmas dinner with you, Bash, Dellie, Hazel, Elijah and Miss Stacy over at Green Gables may have been my happiest Christmas yet! And you and I truly are kindred spirits, our Christmas gifts to each other prove that. You gave me the beautiful silver key-charm for my bracelet and a matching small key necklace. I gave you the little pillow I embroidered for you to keep in your room in Toronto. It truly shows how kindred we are that I embroidered a key and a heart onto it with our initials entwined, isn't it? You once said I was the keeper of the key to your heart and you are the keeper to mine, Gilbert. Even still now, after yesterday.

We had dinner at the Barrys one evening during which our hands kept secretly finding each other briefly under the table and another night we all went to that town party to welcome in the year 1900. Can you imagine that we have now started a whole new century with such promise of new beginnings and change? And at midnight, you and I stepped outside and you kissed me in the moonlight. It made me think of that night out on Miss Stacy's steps when it felt like you and I were wanting to kiss but we couldn't because you were being foolish with Winifred at the time and I was confused. I am so glad we were finally able to amend that situation with our New Year's kiss.

All the walks we had together in the woods and to the cliffs and all these kisses and embraces we shared these past two weeks have strengthened the bond we had already forged in our letters, haven't they? Our weeks together were truly magical! And then yesterday afternoon happened.

We had seen each other briefly in the morning at the clubhouse ruins in the woods before I spent my last afternoon of my holiday at Green Gables with Matthew and Marilla. Then, you came to Green Gables at the end of the afternoon and asked for a moment to speak with me. You seemed restless and nervous. We went to the barn and we had hardly turned to face each other when you just blurted out, "Anne Shirley-Cuthbert, will you marry me?", holding up your mother's beautiful small emerald ring. Why do you do that, Gilbert? Take me by surprise like that, just like you did at the ruins that night after the exams? I was speechless, of sorts, mumbling all sorts of surprised words I can't even recall now. "Please say yes!" you half whispered as you studied my reactions and I just couldn't do it, I just couldn't say yes. You need to give me time for such momentous decisions, my love, and not just put me on the spot like that and expect an immediate answer!

"After all we have shared in letters and these past two weeks, how could I be so mistaken?" you asked. And I told you that you are not mistaken but that you are older than I am and may be ready to marry but that I am not even 17 yet; I'm just not ready to be married yet. We are only just starting out our lives, with so many plans for our future, and it's too soon to decide to get married already... You became unreasonable then, Gilbert, you even mentioned Roy whom I had told you about, and I became angry too. "Maybe we need to rethink this whole thing," you said. " Maybe we should!" I yelled back and we just stared at each other for a few silent moments. You then softly said "Have a good evening, Anne," and you walked away. I was so angry with you for spoiling our blissful little world like that, Gil!

This morning, as I packed, I told Marilla about our situation (I wasn't able to string a sensible sentence together yesterday evening) and some things became very clear to me during that conversation. Matthew and I then picked you and Bash up for the journey to Charlottetown and you barely looked at me. We couldn't speak on our journey and we really need to speak because despite my refusal to become engaged to you, I do love you so, my dearest Gilbert, and I don't want to lose you. Please remember how much we are to each other, how much we have been to each other! I don't want to lose that! We can work this out, can't we?

I know you and Bash have your business dinner this evening but can we meet tomorrow morning? You told me you and Bash would be staying with Jocelyn tonight, so I will drop this letter off at her house for you. We need to see each other before you leave for Toronto. Can you come here? I will meet you at 9 in the garden if you can make it. If you're not here by 9.30 I will search for you at Jocelyn's or hunt you down at the train station. I will not let you go without us speaking face to face. I love you, Gil! We must be able to figure this thing out, we are smart enough to do that, aren't we?

Lovingly yours, with all my heart!

Anne


	5. Gilbert's letter of final understanding

Dearest Anne,

Again I write to you as I travel. The journey back to Toronto is a very long one and I have a lot of time on my hands. I expect this will therefore be long too.

We have already spoken of most of what I want to write here but my heart is still so full of all my feelings that I feel the need to unburden them again to you in writing. In addition to everything else that you are to me, I think you may have also become a diary of sorts to me. I am so used to bottling up my feelings, years or losing loved ones and trying to always be strong, responsible and grown-up, have done that to me. Now I have you, you have opened my heart so completely and all my feelings come streaming out as if they were an avalanche. I hope you don't mind.

I am so sorry for the heartache and insecurity I have put you through, my love. My only excuse for my behavior to you is that I love you and I cannot bear the thought of my world not having you in it. It is a very selfish excuse, I fully realize that, and yet I couldn't help myself when I proposed. I became greedy and unreasonably fearful of losing you. I once told you, in what feels like a lifetime ago when the take notice board fiasco happened, that I'd know when the right person comes along. The moment I knew, or rather allowed myself to know, that my heart belonged to you, I also knew that it had always been yours, that it would always be yours and that you would be the only person in the world I could ever imagine marrying. And then from that moment back in September when Diana told me about your letter that I had never received, my world was thrown open to the actual possibility of a life with you. My feelings were finally unleashed that day, allowed to roam free for the first time, and I fear I may never recover from the overwhelming idea that you do indeed return my feelings.

In the past few months, every time I close my eyes, I see yours gazing back at me, I see the freckles on your face and get lost in trying to count them, I see your flaming red hair and it warms me like a fire would, I feel the skin of your cheek under my fingers and marvel at the softness, I feel you in my arms and my heart misses a few beats, I feel your lips on mine and I need to catch my breath. Then I open my eyes and fear it is all a dream. I ask myself whether it really can be true that Anne Shirley-Cuthbert returns my feelings. Even now, after all your beautiful letters and our magical Christmas break in Avonlea, I cannot truly believe my luck. That you should have feelings for me, Gilbert Blythe, someone with so little to offer as a suitor, is truly incredible to me. When I told you that this morning at the oak tree, you had the audacity to laugh at me and tell me that you had even less to offer. Oh, how mistaken you are, you offer everything to me! You are the light in my life, the keeper of the key to my heart, the sole object of my affection and having you in my life offers me the greatest happiness imaginable. Trying to hold on to that has made me selfish and rash and I must apologize to you again. I did not take into account your feelings and your reality.

I was angry with you and hurt when you refused my proposal that afternoon in the Green Gables barn. I took it as a sign that your feelings for me were not as strong as mine were for you, that I was possibly just a youthful fancy to you. Already you were out in a world that I was not a part of, meeting new people and even a possible new suitor in the form of Roy Gardiner who has wealth and riches to offer that I cannot offer you. Please don't get worked up again when you read this, just hear me out. Or rather, read me out. When I met Roy at the boarding house yesterday afternoon, I was even more convinced of his suitability above mine. The way he openly admired you, flattered you and was so overjoyed to see you again, the way he dressed well and was dashing and made you laugh, I was sure that he appealed to every romantic sense in you more than I ever could. I thought I had now found the real reason for you refusing me and I thought that this would signal the beginning of the end for us. I know we have already spoken about all of this but I feel I must still explain it to you again, just to be sure you completely understand how foolish and insecure I really am. I promise, after today, that I will try not to be that anymore.

When we left Blackmore I was like an irritated bear to poor Bash, grumpy and snapping. I was able to keep it together during our business dinner, and then on the way back to Jocelyn's house afterwards I was apparently sulking, according to him. When we got there and Jocelyn handed me your letter I for the first time fully understood why you had ripped the note I left for you at Green Gables a few months ago. I was so angry and hurt that I was ready to tear up your letter unread as well! I did not want to see what excuses you had to offer for turning me down and for what I thought were your cooling affections because you now had Roy in your life.

Bash must have seen my intention for he whisked the envelope out of my hands. "Don't be a fool, Blythe," he said, "Anne loves you." I stomped off and would not listen, so he opened the envelope and walked after me, reading out loud the beginning of your letter. "My darling Gil," it started and I still thought it was you just appeasing me. Then he read out the sentence, "These past 24 hours have not been our best and it breaks my heart that it should be so." That had my attention, so I stilled and listened to him read on. When he came to the part at the end of your opening where it said, "Do you really, truly believe, after all we have shared these past two weeks, that I have feelings for Roy Gardiner? You cannot think that, even after all that happened yesterday!", I grabbed the letter out of his hands and went on to read the rest of it on my own. I was overwhelmed by your words, your recount of our two weeks in Avonlea, the wording of your strong feelings for me. I admit your letter brought tears to my eyes. You said things had become very clear to you in your conversation with Marilla and I suddenly couldn't wait to see you. The next morning wouldn't suffice, I needed to hear right away what exactly it was that had become so clear to you. And so, I ran to Blackmore to see you, even though it was evening and close to 10 when I got there.

Mrs. Blackmore wouldn't call you at first, as it was so late, but then you happened to walk by in the hall with Diana and the two of you urged her to make an exception. She did allow it but only with her present in the room as well. Pleading to have Diana as chaperone instead was unfruitful, and so we couldn't say that much to each other without scandalizing her. "I got your letter" and your "I meant every word" still didn't give me the answers I craved. The way you looked at me, however, with your beautiful eyes all earnest, pleading and intent, gave me hope again. I asked what had become so clear in your conversation with Marilla. You told me that Marilla had helped you see why I asked what I did in the barn that afternoon, that she had helped you see that I had lost so much in my life already and couldn't risk losing more and that maybe you could give me some assurance in some other way. She also told you not to let a silly difference of opinion stand in the way of happiness. It was all quite cryptic but we couldn't say more as Mrs. Blackmore deemed it time go. You squeezed my hand as I left, whispering, "Tomorrow at 9, at the big oak tree to the side." I went to Jocelyn's feeling better than I had in more than 24 hours but I also had a very restless night with little sleep as I was thinking of you.

You waited for me at the oak the next morning. How wonderful that the oak is so large to obscure us from view of the house! You took my hands, pulled me towards you and kissed me before we could even say "Good morning." That certainly lifted my heart. I wanted to speak but you silenced me with a finger to my lips. I will never forget your little speech. I paraphrase here but essentially this is what I remember you saying: "You and I are destined to be together, I know that and feel that as much as you do. But if a woman marries, or is promised to marry, she is immediately only seen in light of her husband or fiancé. She is expected to concern herself with her trousseau and her wedding, her education becomes unimportant and she is expected stay at home and take care of babies as soon as she marries. I am not ready for any of that right now. I want to grow and learn, make something of myself and be taken seriously in my own right. Once we have finished college and we have found what we are meant to do to make this world better, then we can join forces and continue that as husband and wife."

I was trying to wrap my head around those words when you added that you weren't refusing me as such but that you were postponing an official engagement. "So, you mean you do want to marry me one day?" I asked you, your earlier words of "continue as husband and wife" still ringing in my ears. "Yes, when we're real grown-ups," you smiled and that was all I needed to hear. I pulled you to me and held you to me so tightly. "I won't ever leave you, Gilbert, I love you," you whispered in my ear and that took me over the edge. I apologize for the sob, dearest Anne, but Marilla was right, I had proposed because I believed that was the only way I could hold on to you. Hearing you say those words gave me such relief, I realized that with your 'no' I was not losing you, and I couldn't help but shed a few tears. Please excuse my weakness and also my ignorance, my Anne, for not understanding what a proposal meant for your life as a woman who wants to be something in her own right. When I proposed, all I wanted to do was do the right thing, but, as true as our love is, we are not quite there yet, are we? Mary once told me to only marry for love and I thought that now that I knew my heart, that was what I needed to do right away – be a man and marry. I wanted to secure you, especially in light of you meeting new possible suitors like Roy, but I would never want to clip your wings! You are so full of spirit and life, it's part of the reason why I love you so, and all I want is for you to soar. I also didn't realize that even without an engagement, I had already secured your heart and that there doesn't need to be any rush. We are still young and I do understand now that we still have some growing to do first, I just hope that we can continue to grow together.

You laughed at my worry over Roy, you evil wench, saying that you were amused by his flirting but that you know and he knows that your heart only belongs to me. You told me that if I dared be jealous of Roy then I would have to accept you being jealous of Winifred. How preposterous, my darling! You know I couldn't be with Winifred because she isn't you! You retorted that you couldn't be with Roy because he isn't me. I presume that does in a way prove again how equal we are: we both reject very eligible prospects so we can follow our hearts and be with each other. Your logic makes me smile now and I will try my best to not feed into that insecurity again. In fairness, it will be difficult. Winifred is gone from my life whereas Roy still is present in yours. But I will not risk your further wrath on that subject! There – I have now stripped Roy away from my thoughts!

So, we are not engaged, not officially anyway. However, in our hearts we are promised to each other, we were from the moment when I came to find you and kissed you, back in September, you assured me. The key charm and necklace are proof of our private commitment and one day, when the time is right, you will officially wear my mother's ring for everyone to see. I am so grateful I have that beautiful embroidered pillow with the key and our entwined initials that you gave me for Christmas as proof of your love for me. I shall cherish it to the day I die.

We kissed some more behind that tree. Oh, how I just know I will never tire of feeling your lips on mine, whether the kisses be sweet and chaste or more passionate like we kissed then! Your mouth touching mine, then opening and moving against mine, with your hands caressing my hair in the nape of my neck, makes my heart soar and my blood boil every single time and I can't seem to get you close enough to me. Yes, you truly are a magnificent kisser, Anne! But I digress. We kissed until Diana walked by and hissed at us that danger was coming. We jumped two feet apart as if nothing had been happening when Mrs. Blackmore passed by, giving us a very quizzical look. We quickly made our excuses and headed to Jocelyn's arm in arm, affording us more time to talk. Bash greeted us with his customary grin and happy dance, we explained the no official engagement yet situation and he was just happy for us. I feel blessed with such a family and with you as my love.

I am happy we had the rest of the morning together. At the train station, right before I boarded, you threw your arms around my neck and hugged me goodbye quite lengthily. You will be the ruin of your own reputation if you don't watch out, Anne Shirley-Cuthbert! I wish I could have just grabbed you onto the train with me, then you would be sitting here beside me right now, on our way to Toronto together.

It will be a year and a half before you finish Queens and you would love to come and see what Toronto has to offer then, you said. How I would love to have you here with me but it is entirely your choice… I, in turn, could possibly do an internship closer to home in Charlottetown at the hospital when the time for my practical work placement comes around. Yes, we will figure this thing out, Carrots. Together. I am perfectly happy to wait for you as my fiancée and then wife for as I long as I have to. You will never have to give up your hopes and dreams because of me and I am thrilled to know that I am a real part of them. To paraphrase the Song of Solomon: "My beloved is mine and I am hers" and that is all that matters. I look to our future together with confidence, my Anne with an E.

I am sending this to you as soon as I arrive in Toronto. I think I will now close my eyes again for a bit, and dream of kissing you behind the oak tree and feeling you close to me in my arms. I already miss you terribly.

My heart is forever yours,

Gilbert.


End file.
